hi Tuesday 22/04/08
Recently i felt sharp pain on my chest some times i hurt till u really want to digged out the heart just to easy the pain... i have been having this pain since i was a boy now have been worst... 天使say she keep hurting me so imy heart felt pain.... no no its not true this pain happens a lot of times but this few days really hurts a lot when i'm sleeping or even breathing...

i just got msg from her telling me to stop loving her because she doesnt want to hurt me.. she just wants to be alone, die alone... Why does everyone think this way when they are dieing... Why are they so selish why cant they let the person share the pain she is going through does she knows that like this she can hurt the person even more... She kept saying that why cant of think abt her feelings .. Does any know how she feels?? i do know how she feeling as she doesnt wants anyone to get hurt so she lock herself up lock her heart up... but does she knows that she unlocked the lock of my heart where i long lost the key to my heart... Does she know that? know why i didnt tell her as she will say i think too much... this sentence i hear too much le i felt tired sick of it...

I would make a guess that on my birthday she wont join me she will just avoid me or have me asking other people out too.... If this happen i think i rather go out myself let me go celebrate alone by myself...

Now when ever or what ever i am doing... the sharpest pain of my chest hurts like hell... i didnt even show it out on my face as i think there's no point of letting anyone know i'm in pain always shows smiles when ever or what ever happen... if sad i will just hide in one corner and cry till my eyes runs dry...

寂寞那么多,那么痛.

Hi there,

sunday 20 april 08.... very bored at home same goes for yesterday very lik hell planning to go gym but ended up went running in the garden for awhile only about 10mins run then 20 mins walk till sweat look like no use haha.... didnt really help much to slim myself down as i getting fatter ba... haha

How i miss Lynn as we didnt chat much as last saturday morning where we met for breakfast... i really miss her... every night i wait for her to be online so can chat with her then in the office but this week like didnt really have chance to chat with her much and didnt reply me any message i wonder how is she doing... i know she is busy looking for a room but i willing to help just that she doesnt want my help... i so sad so 寂寞那么多,那么痛.

在床上最自负的星座男人!

Gers gers

read this!!! Is your guy within the top 3???

嘿咻能力自古被男性认定为极重要的指标，此项能力的强弱便代表男人的强弱，尤其女人对他的评价更是影响甚钜，所以男性同胞多少都会想知道，到底我强不强啊？有人偷偷观察有人旁敲侧击，但十二星座中你知道谁最直接吗？让星吧来告诉你嘿咻会问他多强的男人星座！

第一名狮子座：　

　　狮子座的男人爱臭屁爱听人称赞，尤其嘿咻的表现攸关一个男人的自尊，自尊心非常重的他，是需要随时随地在每件事上都受到肯定，他对自己的能力是相当有信心的，因为他就是掌舵者他就是王，没有事情可以难得倒他，而且狮子男会沉迷在被崇拜的快感里，最好你能表现出臣服在他脚前的姿态，这会让他龙心大悦并干劲十足，你想想这么爱当英雄的男人，怎么可能会在嘿咻时不问问你他强不强，但其实他是用已经知道答案的口气说：怎样！我很强吧！只是在等你附和他而已啦！

第二名天蝎座：

　　天蝎座的男人有着可以融化女人的热情，在嘿咻时的表现也是相当激烈，你可能会觉得平时冷静沉稳的他，在这件事上竟然是这么狂放不羁，让你意外的是他还相当热衷呢！他熟悉性爱的每方面相关知识，不论是招数还是小技巧，总之让你感到欢愉就是他的目的，因为天蝎座的男人有着征服对方的野心，并且是用无穷的精力来完成，追求胜利感是他做每件事的动力，当然嘿咻时他也要感到自己是赢家，所以每当问你他有多强时，就是他在确认得到胜利的果实了！

第三名天秤座：

　　天秤座的男人其实是最在意自己在女性面前表现的人，对他而言如果能获得女性的爱戴，那是他至高无上的荣耀，所以从平时举动就可以看得出来，帮女性拉椅子开车门之类的事情，天秤男做的可是周到万分，为的就是看你对他满意的微笑，所以常常票选理想情人他都是第一名，嘿咻时也同样爱讨人欢心，当他做足能让你满意的动作后，他也会很想知道你给他的分数，不过他不会很粗鲁的问你答案，但只是拐个弯话说漂亮点，还是在问你：您觉得我强不强吗？

sunday 13 april 08



Very early morning, i had a nightmare about me and Lynn.... the dream was quite real... till i pull myself up and then scare to go back to sleep as will go back to the same dream again which i wish it wont comes true....



You will be wondering what is the dream about well i couldnt remember it well as from what i remember i was chatting with her through MSN... What is it about i couldnt remember as i know my hearts hurts a lot and was crying... I dont dare to tell her as she will say i think too much or maybe she will say something that will hurt me and her too...



For now i dont care what i just want to be at her side as a very close friend which she can tell me any thing or any problems... i'm willing to listen to hear and offer my full support and help to her.... i know no matter how many times she tell me that she used to being alone and not used to tell anyone where she is going i dont mind.... just wanna chat with her every night before going to bed and during working hours....

It's been sometimes i had this feelings since my last realtionship during my poly years.... I think i can say her name in here since no one is reading it... Her name is Wanying.... she been with me abt 6 months ba.... then after that i told myself to stop hurting any girls feelings as i should have be more mature now to think but till now i still keep on hurting their feelings... it's not i get into relationship and hurt them is when i brings out their feelings and made them cry or in tears... My fault for hurting them....

Then came Lynn she has stop this loving feelings 9 years back and now i brought back this feelings and hurt her really deep.... she has a heart problems since young and may live till her age of 35 years old.... thats what she told me.... my friends told me that she is testing me but too me whether she is testing me or not i will do my best to touch her heart...

everytime she told me not to care for her as she can take care or herself it makes me feel hurt heart pain like been stab by a knife... tears keep coming down my eyes every night can say i cry myself to sleep....

sunday 6th april 08

at home nothing to do sia.... so bored.... havnt finish my work and no mood to do too sigh....

tuesday 1 april'08

Not a good day either.... since yesterday my eyes hurts, my heart hurts and my mood hurts... whole day today was like putting a smiling mask on... and pretend im okie le so they won't be so worry about me... i dont want them to worry about me too much as i am a grown man i think i can handle this relationship problem.... so how to handle some might ask well stick to her and NEVER GIVE UP! Show her that i can do it, prove to her that i can take it... Admit to her that i can go through this thick and thin with her together as a couple....

no matter how many times she rejects me i will still wont give up... i wont surrender till i am dead... I know and Jiahe knows that she really have feelings for me, so with this feelings i must really push myself to the max show my maximum love i can give... She is a good ger, we can just talk about anything, she is really my type of wife im looking for. I know she have illness i dont mind no1 is prefect. God dont create prefect human being, unless he/she is Noah or Adam or Eve then i nothing to say. She told me she got heart failure ok, but for this reason she don't want to be with me... that's bull shit..... >:'[ We together go through this matter, since now medical is so advace there sure hav ways to cure it. heart transplant is one of them, i dont believe there isnt any other ways to cure...

In the mean time i can take care of her, I can provide things to her within my reach. Problems we can share and think of a ways to solve together. i dont want her to carry this heavy load, i wan to carry her load or carry it together.

I want to purpose to her as my wife...as 拿婚姻樘做走前提... I want her to have a happy meaning full life so she can live on....

Why is it that my love life is so hard to handle? I almost reach to the breaking down point le where I can just like that ends here don't care about those who cares....