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This few days I been having nightmare. I think due to the driving test coming near, at the same time I was thinking of her (WANYING) because I feel relax when I am with her. Especially when we are alone, how and what should I do. I really miss her a lot
Is not that when I scare I start think of her but every day I kept thinking of her. But I know she is too busy to think of having a relationship plus I hurt her once. I don’t know will she want to patch back with me if I ask her.

I know one think is she told me my thinking and her thinking is different. But to what I know everyone’s thinking is different even in married couple. I not appose her thinking or other things but I willing to do what ever I can if we patch back.

I will give up my most of my free time and go meet her for either dinner or just see her at boon lay or in her school at NTU. WANYING WILL YOU GIVE ME THE CHANCE AGAIN PLEASE? I will fort out my time for you even on weekends I will go to your house and meet you every time no matter where I work.

Haha never aspect that she has a boyfriend already haha my fault for not finding out 1st and starts planning for the next step.

Question: How stupid am I?

Answer: very stupid… Ahhh!

What have I done to myself?
Why I am so rush again?
I think must lock myself up so that I won’t rush into things.
Die die must lock myself up. If not I will do stupid things again sigh..!
Guy/beautiful Girls don’t worry I am not thinking too much just scolding myself for all this. Haha don’t worry about me. My life now is so call quite happy without my other half but at the same time very lonely without my other half…. Haha!

Today I went to Sentosa with my 2 friends both are girls. They are my friends just friends no more then that. We went there to have some tan, I too join in for some tan but ended up not brown but red skin. Haha I think will have sun burn soon I think, I did put on sun screen but like didn’t work. There is 1 thing I quite happy about it and that was got quite a few beautiful and sexy bikini girls (not including my friends) there sun tanning haha yummy. Hope can go there more often haha

-@ - @-
c
~

11.10.06 time: 1.03am

Yesterday I was surprise that a girl name Cheryl message me. At 1st I thought was my friend who use to work at RSH Tanglin Mall. In her message she wrote “hi I am Cheryl do u remember me?” I reply her “ya”. At 1st I never aspect is her cause when I gave her my handphone no. was 3 days ago and she never message me. So I thought she throw away my handphone no. but yesterday she message me and just now we just ended our chat online. But I we didn’t chat much as I don’t know what to ask her as I was scare that I will scare her if I suddenly asked her whether is she in a relationship already. I also don’t dare to tell her my age as I know girls who are far younger then me will not really like to chat with those a few age older than her.

I think I am losing out of confidents. Where has my confidents gone to? Is it because I have been rejected to many times that I have lost me confidents? What can I do to regain me confidents?

I don’t dare to ask my best friend and nether my ex about how can I change it so that I can regain my confidents again. Another thing is I can’t take it if I get rejected again. Why am I so scare of been rejected? As I often get rejects by this time I should have use to the feelings of been rejected by girls. As I can say I will give what ever I can to the girl I like in return of her hands to her heart. But this won’t happen if I keep getting rejects. Haha, why am I still torturing myself in getting a relationship? WHY?

Hi

Again? Haha, in my mind there is a question which I can’t seems to find out which is hard.

1st question: Which is harder to maintain a job or a relationship?

Recently my friend Wanying saw the blog I post up and read the rest of the previous blog that I wrote. And asked me a question why I wrote her name in the blog. I only told her that when I felt sad I will write my feeling in the blog and never aspect people or my friends to read it.

But to be truth is that I felt sorry for her to what I have done wish to have a 2nd chance with her again but doesn’t have the chance as now she is very busy with her studies and CCA plus I am working during weekends so wont have the time to meet her. Further more to her my thinkings are still in mature compared to hers. Even so my best friend also says the same I can not have a relationship unless I have a stable job and a mature thinking then my relationship will work well.

That is true I now have no money how to support my girlfriend plus I never gone through working life how can I maintain a relationship if I can’t take the pressure of the work life. But to me there is 1 thing in my mind that is I don’t want to be like my father where his son is already 25 years old and still studying. He now wants to enjoy his retirement life that he even doesn’t want to find a part time job to work. I don’t want it to happen in my life, I want when my son/daughter is at my age now to already start work as I am still at a young age before the retirement age. At least at that age I can relax a bit where I can earn the money for myself and my wife to go for our trips to other countries to enjoy life, with out any worries of my children as they are old enough to take care of themselves.

This is the life that I plan for but all has gone due to my confidents and the promise that I broke when I was with her. If I have a remote to control the time I wish I can turn back the time and change the mistake that I have made and correct it. Or go back in time to tell myself that I can do it, I can take care of her even through we have no time for each other we still can meet after class or work. Don’t give up even through we only can meet each other where no one around that know us. If I can make it through her graduations in University then from that day on we can meet each other without fear of let others know.

But this is reality I have already done the wrong things and can not be change. It’s not like in the movies where there is a car that can go back in time or a remote control that can forward or rewind. The only hope is that she can give me a chance to patch back with her.

A lot of my friends told me to move on and try to find the other “tree” (girl) that can last forever. And when I found that “tree” I must do what ever I can to protect it and that time must be even more confidents in my self. And don’t let it go again unless she let me go first, if not hold her hands tight and don’t ever let go. This is what my friends told me and I will remember it in my heart.

But the truth is I don’t want to hurt any body’s feelings any more including myself this feelings doesn’t feels good. As my best friend told me that I got rejected so many time so I should have got use to it now, but no I haven’t got use to it as I put everything that I have to her. But when rejected it hurts a lot a lot, I tried to talk to myself into not to have feelings anymore as I knew my body is already can not take it any more pains but still I can’t do it. I really need to find that someone that I can love and to be love by out there in this part of the world. But fate keeps me in pain lots of pain, I some how knew that if I really want my other half to appear I have to push everything forward including my life. That means if I want to meet my future girlfriend now and fate has arranged it so that I will meet her in 2 to 3 years time. My life will be shortening by 2 to 3 years and everything that will happen in my life will do the same shorten by 2 to 3 years. Even maybe some of the good things that will happen will be gone. This is not I really want to have so I have no intention of getting it so fast that mean I have to suffer this feelings over and over again till my fate comes to me. I think by that time my body is already dead and I maybe not be in this world any more or maybe before I left this world I will see my fate by pass me or my body.


I don’t really care got any body read this blog or not this is how I express my sadness feeling to be written so that I can be myself again

Question: WHAT IS HAPPINESS? WHAT IS SADDNESS? HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY AND WHEN YOU ARE SAD?

I now still don’t know why every time I get rejected and sad I keep saying those words that will hurt peoples’ feelings. Am I really that bad in expressing my feelings my emotions? Then am I making everyone feel that I am still like a child with the thinking of a child?

Am I at wrong of having this thinking? Or what can I do to makes everyone knows that I have grown up and thinks like a man not a child anymore? How can I make myself grow up? How do I make myself to think like a 25 year old man? Even I have plans for my future but I couldn’t make it happen when my friends keep telling me that I still thinks like a child how? I know no matter how my best friend told me to I still am what I am and can’t make it better but worst if I try my best.

How can I be like my friend who is good at everything since I know him he is like good at everything even getting a relationship is easy to him? I know he got 1 time when working there is a girl who came up to him and give him her hand phone number. He got that charm why can’t I have it to. His art and craft are far more better than me very far, I don’t know when I came out to work will I do the same best thing like him or better

I WANT TO BE SAME AS HIM OR EVEN BETTER.